I’m waking up, lifeless: my thoughts are drained from my mind from over thinking. Or have my thoughts cancelled my feelings? Both maybe. Its five thirty in the morning, I have to wake up in thirty minutes, get ready, pack my schoolbag, make lunch.. oh there we go again. Im freaking out over the smallest of things and its making my anxiety murder my loneliness: the thoughts are back. My stomach, churning at the thought of school. Oh gosh school. Socialising, learning, pretending im alright, what if i get caught in a fight?
I need to get out of bed but i sit there lifeless. I don’t wanna do life today, im not good for anything. I just want to stay in bed. Time ticks by as my heartbeat is cooling from magma to lava, rising upwards. Thirty minutes have passed, no movement has been acquired. I check my social media’s checking up on my friends to see if they are doing okay (as i do everyday). I have twenty minutes until i have to leave the house, my mum’s screaming at me to get up, “EAT YOUR BREAKFAST”. I usually reply with the simple, “I don’t want to,” although today i don’t feel like i can talk, nor, as a matter of fact, breathe.
I end up walking past the mirror, who is that girl in the mirror? I’m just staring right at her. Contemplation of true beauty conflicts within my eyes. Am i pretty? Who even am I? I’ve been told many times that I am “perfect.” Im pretty sure i don’t know what perfect means. Nothing is perfect, everything has at least one flaw although, maybe, everyone has perspectives of perfect. I, for sure am not.
Leaving the house, my demons start creeping although i try to scare them away with the presence of music, working only momentarily. Distracting them with vibrations despised by thier beliefs. Lyrics working only like a varnish on my adrenaline. Im being dominant.
My pace quickens as i become more aware of my surroundings. I hastily walk to the bus stop and wait for the bus rubbing my hands together as if I were washing them with air. The first step onto the bus is as if i hit a brick wall, i walk up towards the back seats isolated in the world inside my head. I spaced out. After that the tournamenting thoughts seeped through the music. Is anyone staring? Do i look okay? My breathing gets tight and my stomach is churning again, even though i get this feeling almost 24/7 I’ve never gotten used to it.
I arrive at school. I barely talk, I’m just there. I space out on all my classes. I feel unaccomplished, stupid, unworthy. If i were to even talk i would mess up. I’m in maths, a terrified girl trying to understand something so complex with her mind screaming at her. It’s impossible to learn. Should i really be in school?
Recently, I’ve been struggling with mental health a lot. I’ve opened up to so many people that i feel too exposed. The main reason i am struggling with it so much is because of my school; I just started my GCSE’S, im honestly petrified. I’m constantly stressing over them that it’s causing me to be constantly anxious and depressed, my mental health is low. I was told that “mental health is more important than education,” although i believe it, no one else seems to understand.
My school, it’s a “machine for exams,” it adds layers and of stress; thick layers at that. They tell us they care about our mental health, they tell us that we can talk to the school councilor (believe me, i have. But, she’s just not for me), although mental health is as equally as important as physical health, everyone puts up a wall against that for some reason.
I’m really struggling at school, what is making it worse is my mental health. It’s dragging my grades down (god knows how i’m still achieving a few A’s). It makes me think that I am not capable when infact that is not true. Everyone on this Earth has great intelligence, yes some may have more than others although it all balances out. I’m a creative person therefore i excelle subjects such as art, technology and english. You might be into sports, doing many physical activities. We all have our differences.
Mental well being is different, we can all gain struggles with it during our life. It’s most likely that sometime during your life you will experience it first hand, that’s just society today. I just want you to know, you are not alone. Never isolate yourself in this darkness.
I never take sick days off school when I am feeling low – mentally. Should I? Will that help me? My parents dont really let me stay off school due to my mental health. Sure, it gets me going through my day and surrounds me with society which i barely do. Lonliness has become a key factor in my life recently and i want that to change. I’m doing more things for myself than others.
I wanna know your views on this. Do your parents let you take sick days due to low mental health?
Thanks for reading,
Love Courtz xx